4 Qualities of People Who Are Great Listeners
Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash
When it comes to improving communication, you might think in terms of what to say and how to say it. Many people are naturally solution-oriented, so we tend to rush ahead in conversation; to plan and prioritize our personal points first. While it’s important to know how to speak from your own perspective, resolving issues effectively—and not just quickly—requires empathy and objectivity.
Think about it: if you’re focused on what you’re going to say next, can you truly process what another person is saying? Without listening, you can’t inform your responses, and uninformed responses come off as they are: vague, rehearsed, counterintuitive or worst - offensive.
Instead, use active listening as a conversation tool with colleagues or family members to get the most out of the discussions you’re having. Active listening is exactly what it sounds like: meaning each party actively engages with the information presented by the other party. This is done throughout the conversation, and allows each person to feel more comfortable sharing and receiving—which leads to lasting, comprehensive solutions.
This article outlines 4 qualities of an active listener in communication. For each one, we’ve also provided a “self-reflection point” to help you identify what it should look, sound, or feel like. We’ve also included some practice suggestions so you can continue to hone your listening skills. Ready?
1. Quality #1: They are teachable. Most of us say we love learning and are always on the lookout to learn something new, but… are we really?
Approach every conversation as an opportunity to learn. This means suspending all assumptions that you know everything (or even a little bit more!) about a given subject. Allowing room for different or, more likely, enhanced understanding is the first step in being able to fully hear your other person or people. A teachable perspective also helps you take a step back from the situation—so that you don’t react rashly or emotionally to different (or constructive or negative) information.
Self-Reflection: Are you open to new knowledge even to the point of criticism? Are you prepared to be told you’re wrong? Can you suspend your defensiveness?
Practice Point: When was the last time someone taught you something new? Did you thank that person - if not, send them an email.
Practice Point: Have you ever intentionally or unintentionally tuned someone out who was trying to explain something to you? An apology can go a long way in signaling to someone that you have an open heart and mind; why not use this as an opportunity to say, “I’m sorry” and give yourself a second chance to practice those active listening skills.
2. They are genuinely interested. You say you care, but what is it that you truly care about?
Whether at work or at home constructive feedback is valuable in fostering healthy, productive dynamics. It’s the ability to be your honest, authentic self, without fear of retribution or emotional distress. Those who feel comfortable expressing their opinions (and expertise at work) are more likely to feel a part of something bigger, and subsequently less likely to be unhappy or feel untrusted. Do you care about how you come out of a conversation (the champion, being right, being admired) or do you care about really understanding where someone else is coming from?
Self-Reflection: What behavior am I modeling with this conversation, and is it productive? If I’m having a hard time hearing this person out, what is it that might be making it difficult for me?
Practice Point: If you’re feeling like you don’t have a genuine interest in a person or conversation, it may be because there isn’t a deeper relationship or trust there. Check yourself to see if you can sense any barriers that may be preventing open communication.
Practice Point: If you strongly disagree with someone, it may be because you have different values. Instead of focusing on your differences, reframe the situation as a way to better understand what this particular person cares deeply about that informs their viewpoint(s).
3. They ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS. Not all questions are great questions, learn to recognize the difference between questions that invite dialogue and questions that shut it down.
When you’re prepared to listen, make sure you’re getting the relevant facts and feelings the speaker is sharing by asking the right questions. Questions are an incredibly important part of conversation, because let people know that we hear them, that we’re following along, and that we actually care about what they’re saying.
For example, instead of addressing workplace conflict by simply asking how, who, or what, ask specifically, “how is this impeding your workflow?” or, “what can we do to support you in the future?” That way, the conversation feels less like an interrogation (assigning blame), and more like mediation (outlining a course of action). In a personal situation, consider questions as a way to uncover additional truths about the situation, the other person’s perspective, or their relationship to the topic you’re discussing.
Self-Reflection: What types of questions do I typically ask? Do I have a tendency to ask leading questions? Am I comfortable if there's silence or do I feel the need to fill the gap with my own assumptions about their answer(s)?
Practice Point: If, like many people, you get a little twitchy when it’s silent for too long, force yourself to count to 5 (slowly, in your head) after asking a question.
Practice Point: If you have a tendency to interrupt, begin to raise your awareness of how that interferes in open dialogue by making a small tally mark on a notepad each time you do it. If you’re feeling particularly honest, you can let the listener know it’s something you’re working on.
4. BE RESPONSIVE. You’ve talked, now what? Don’t miss a chance to maintain momentum and keep the connection alive.
Show that you value listening with your day-to-day actions. That means taking care to maintain agreed-upon solutions while still remaining open to future changes. Be sure to ask for input before making decisions that affect the other person directly, even in a seemingly small way. If something feels off as you move forward or if you feel like the situation has changed, be ready to revisit the conversation with new information that’s come to light. Remember - keep your teachability mindset and encourage others to do the same.
Self-Reflection: How is active listening reflected in your daily behavior? How can you tap into your empathy on a regular basis?
Practice Point: Put a check-in on the calendar each month. A chat over coffee, tea, kombucha or wine (even if virtual) can do wonders for continued learning and evolution of relationships. It will help to build that genuine interest, trust, honesty and openness.
Here’s the thing.
When listening is practiced on both sides, neither will be able to offer quick fixes—and at the end of the day, that’s a good thing. Thoughtful consideration of any issue takes time, but also results in both mutual and lasting understanding and learning moving forward. Be patient as you consider each point and perspective before rushing forward to a solution to just be “done with it.” Otherwise, you’re bound to have missed something, especially the opportunity to connect with a fellow human being about something that might be really important to you both.
Finally, remember that practicing is key, just like any other tool you might use to improve your interpersonal relationships. No one communicates perfectly all of the time, and everyone gets distracted sometimes. It’s tough, so give yourself and others some grace and space as you navigate conversations together.