Anytime Reset: Starting Over at Work
Photo by Vladislav Bychkovon Unsplash
It’s never too late to start over. This adage is true in romantic relationships, rocky friendships, and even relationships with your coworkers. Year after year, the highs and lows of conflict in the workplace can build up and slowly create more barriers between you and your coworkers. So often we have to wait for the perfect time to address the situation, but the truth is, you can restore your work relationships any time.
Resetting after a conflict means choosing to put that conflict firmly behind you. It’s not cropping back up. It’s not finding its way into your office conversations. It’s not living rent-free in your mind for the next few months. If employees allow themselves to dwell on the same negative thoughts after a conflict is resolved, it is practically guaranteed that the conflict will become a problem again. Then, you have to take the whole conflict resolution process from the top.
The biggest threat to a healthy reset is the thought spiral. Typically, a thought spiral refers to a continuous stream of negative thoughts. They often turn minor issues into major problems and misrepresent the reality of the situation. Assumptions are the footmen and cause 99% of thought spirals (we assume).
The best way to fight off a thought spiral is by trying to “catch” the negative thoughts. It may seem strange, but the goal is to stop a negative thought spiral before it begins or can cause damage. Imagine the tool you’ll use. It can be a butterfly net to capture negative thoughts, or maybe a fishing pole to pluck them out of your thought life. Using your tool of choice, you can then choose to discard the negative thoughts and choose to dwell on positive thoughts.
For example, let’s meet Kristen. Her coworker Dustin is a notorious hummer—the man just can’t get 70s disco out of his mind. Because he sits right next to Kristen in the office, she can hear every pitchy note. In October, they had to bring in the human resources team because the humming was driving Kristen crazy! She insisted he was trying to be distracting, and he insisted that the music helped him focus. They decided that Kristen would move a few desks over, and Dustin would wear headphones to listen to music so he wouldn’t hum aloud.
It worked for a while, but then Kristen noticed that Dustin started humming again! This immediately sends Kristen on a thought spiral, cementing in her brain assumptions about Dustin’s intentions. By the end of it, she’s convinced he’s doing it on purpose because he knows it bothers her. Accusations are made, and once again, human resources must get involved.
If Kristen practices our exercise, she will be better equipped to stop a thought spiral from resulting in a major conflict. What if she chose to manage her thought life by thinking about trail mix? (Stay with me.) The negative thoughts are the raisins she doesn’t want, and the chocolate chips are the positive thoughts she wants to dwell on. Instead of automatically assuming that Dustin is trying to annoy her, Kristen can focus on two facts:
During their conflict resolution, Dustin mentioned that music helped him focus.
Dustin is known for being the most reliable employee to turn in projects on time.
Using the exercise allows Kristen to shift her focus from her annoyance to the acknowledgment of having a reliable, hardworking coworker. This acknowledgment stops the thought spiral.
Now, she doesn’t have to lose her sanity for the sake of Dustin’s work habits. Practically, she can approach Dustin and kindly communicate that he is humming again. As a result, he may make more of an effort to control the habit. She can also bring her own headphones in order to better focus on her productivity instead of Dustin’s habits.
While your workplace conflict may be more complex or dynamic than arguing over humming disco music, anytime is the perfect time to hit the reset button on your work relationships. You don’t need to wait for anyone else to begin letting go of the emotions involved and forgiving the hurt that has occurred. The reset starts with you. Carry on this year well without baggage from past conflicts in the workplace.